THE BATTLE

The chain of events, the confusion, and the range of emotions unfolded so quickly it seems to blur together now. In that spirit, here is the cliff notes version of the events that transpired...

Event: The lower back pain that started a few years earlier is getting progressively worse and starts to become unbearable...

Response: Arthritis does run in the family and arthritis meds help...

Event: Cold sweats and night sweats that cause my wife and I to change bedding almost nightly...

Response: All this must be stress at work or maybe I need to switch my arthritis meds...

Event: Friends tell me I have lost a lot of weight...

Response: Weight loss must be due to the three different sports leagues I participate in or that I frequently work through lunch to attend all planned and unplanned meetings that drive my work day...

Event: A persistant cough, but no other symptoms of a cold or flu...

Internal Response: I'll stop by clinic to grab some antibiotics to knock it out before a scheduled business trip...

Event: The clinic takes xrays of chest... doctor tells me I need to check myself into hospital...

Internal Response: Huh?... OK, which hospital..

Event: At hospital... we are going to admit you...

Internal Response: OK, lets figure this out and take care of this so I can get out of here...

Event: ...

Internal Response: Umm, where is my doctor? Where is my nurse? Why am I still here?...

Event: We think you may have cancer, but we need to run further tests and take chest biopsy...

Internal Response: ... ... (insert range of emotions here) .... .... ... alright lets figure this thing out... but we are moving hospitals to one that is more responsive and better suited for open chest biopsy

Event: I am not comfortable with assigned oncologist and he doesn't respond quick enough on questions and test results...

Internal Response: Lets search for someone who can give us support and answers we need...

Event: Cousins in Houston offer us place to stay to battle at Anderson, but we find Dr. Z much closer to home...

Internal Response: Alright, lets run some additional tests to find out more about progression and to devise plan of attack...

Event: You are in late stages of Hodgkin's Lymphoma...

Internal Response: OK... I'm a fighter, lets do this...

Event: You will need to take 4 to 6 months off of work for treatments....

Internal Response: Whoa doc... that was not part of the plan... let me think about this and get back to you...

My priorities were glaringly obvious. I am so ashamed of my first thoughts after hearing this news. Ashamed that my career had risen above everything else as the most important thing in my life.

I have survived many tough battles. I have proven others wrong before. I have overcome challenges no one expected me to overcome. I will persevere. I can juggle my treatments along with all other things in my life. I.... my free will had imprisoned me... and it had surely consumed me along with the lymphoma. Clearly, it was not just the cancer I was battling.


THE PEOPLE IN MY CORNER

How could anyone else love and care for me, when I had such little regard for myself? How did I get here? These and many other questions I now had the ability to reflect on and pray about as my largest burden, work, had been temporarily removed from my life. I could now start the healing process, above all realizing I was not in control and that I needed to seek help from others.

Blessed with a Loving Angel.

From the first day we met, Courtney has been my angel. We were both scared as we went through this, but she stood by my side, and never wavered in her support as I went through treatments... through our prayers together and through the pain. She was there for me entirely and had always been, and I painfully realized that I had not been there completely for her. My heart sunk as I came to this realization.

I did my best to be there for Courtney through this trying time, but there were times she felt alone despite the support from friends and family. But God would give us hope and peace through the people he would bring into our lives.

Blessed with a Caring Healer.

We had many people guiding us to Dr. Z. The nurse at our first hospital that recommended we move to a hospital better suited to handle what was going on inside me. From a fellow oncologist who listed off Dr. Z as one of the best doctors in the region to handle lymphoma. The unresponsiveness of the hospital assigned oncologist. Friends and family who had great things to say about fellow oncologists in the same practice as Dr. Z, and friends who were quick to note Dr. Z's bedside manner. Most importantly I could see the comfort and relief on Courtney's face once we found Dr Z.

Dr. Z was very straight-forward, yet you always had a sense he was genuinely concerned for our well-being. "Look, here is the situation," as he laid out the test results and walked us through my treatment options.

Even though I told Dr. Z I had to think about it after he laid out my options, all of which included taking time off from work, I can tell you that I had made up my mind before I ever made it home.

He called me later that night on his way home from the office. "Chris, this is Dr. Z. I know what I told you earlier was a bit to digest..." I knew where the conversation was heading so before he could finish his sentence, "Dr Z. I am moving forward with your recommended treatment plan. I just needed to digest the reality of the situation."

I could now begin the healing and I now had the much needed quiet space to begin the reflection, meditation and thoughtful prayer. An incredible weight was being lifted.

Blessed with a Compassionate Church.

I met Ann Ellis, a church member I had never met, early in my treatments as she brought the gift of a prayer shawl from the Holy Stitches Ministry. One of the things I found pure about this program was that the person who made the blanket did not deliver the blanket. This allows the ministry to give freely and avoid the trap of the conditional gift as is often our human inclination. This ministry was not about giving to glorify themselves, but to glorify the good work and faith of God. Just a faith that they are doing god's work with each stitch. The prayer shawl from Holy Stitches was often used as I curled up on the couch to wrap myself in prayer when I came home from my treatments. I never had an attachment to a blanky as a child, but at as a grown adult I had finally found my wubby.

Additionally, Courtney had her own angels. Although my family was close they do not have a foundation in christian life. There were times when Courtney just needed someone to pray with and at several critical times throughout the journey people would show up just when she felt she really needed someone to pray with her. The church family was there for both of us.

One of the many people from the church that offered support and prayer was Marnie Waldrop and her family. They also setup a Healthy Chef account (a meal service) to support my dietary needs during treatments which many folks supported. Courtney and I are so thankful for everyone who contributed to this account.

Although the cancer had spread throughout most of my body, there was one particular mass that had grown so large it had pushed through my sacrum and was enveloping the nerves at the base of my spine. On Wednesday morning of the first week of chemotherapy in the hospital the second round of drugs kicked in and the mass swelled giving my nerves an agonizing bear hug. I finally knew what it meant to be on tearful side of the pain scale. The ibuprofen and other pain meds in my system no longer helped subdue the pain.

I had demanded earlier that morning before the pain got away from me that Courtney go home and get some sleep. When I was in my greatest pain early that morning Dr. Swanson, our minister, showed up to pray with me. To tell you the honest truth, I do not remember much of the prayer at all due to the pain. I just remember experiencing a sense of comfort having him there. Seeing my pain, Dr. Swanson grabbed a nurse and asked them to get my doctor to help with the pain. Dr. Z was there in 15 minutes. The morphine numbed the pain to a more reasonable pain threshold, and I eventually was able to get some rest after a night of unrest. I was fortunate to not have to deal with that level of pain again throughout the rest of my treatments.

There are many times I have recalled this morning. What was Dr. Swanson doing there so early in the morning? What are the chances he would be there at that moment of greatest pain during treatments?

Blessed by the Grace of God.


REFLECTIONS

Having the time away from work gave me the time to reflect that the burdens and struggles in my life were self-inflicted. We can try to control the people and events around us or we can seek help and strength from God and the people he has put in our lives.

I had been wrapped in my work for so long, I could not see the impact it was having on my health and relationships with others. I needed to ask for help and I needed to listen to what others and my body were trying to tell me. I struggled while out of the office on how I should reflect on this, and I can tell you that I still struggle with it today.

How quickly we return to our personal struggles when burdens are relieved. A couple weeks after my last chemo treatment I was back to work and trekking off to Asia. I came back to work with a larger team and a larger scope of work. My team needed to turn around the development of a new product with a short timeline. And we were smack dab in the middle of our budget and planning periods. I didn't just dip my toe back in the water, I was diving into shallow waters. And I still had radiation treatments to look forward to.

It was a rough return, but the difference this time around is that I have tangible memories of these events serving as reminders that this cannot continue to be the norm. The scars on my chest... The prayer shawl that still hangs off one arm of my couch... These are reminders that I need to keep in perspective those things that are truly important in my life.

Writing this testimony was a painfully long process for me. First because it made me rehash events and thoughts I did not want to revisit, but more so because I still struggle with many of the same issues. However, this also enforced further reflection and prayer.

As I struggle, I take comfort in knowing that I have the ability to seek help from God, I take comfort that I can pray to the Lord and ask for his help and guiding hand, and I take comfort he has put people in our lives to provide support and to support in kind.